For those that don't quite know what the deal is with me

Currently I have been running into a lot of situations where I feel I have to explain far too much about my life in too short of a time. So I'm trying to write out a press release of sorts so that I can direct friends and others to it, instead of trying to explain things on the fly.

I was thrown out of my home by my wife after feeding her information that would end the iffy situation I've been living with for more than a year. When I lost my job at Convergys right after the birth of my daughter, my wife in my opinion at least, decided I had failed her. She treated me like I had made a choice to not help our family. This was not the case, and things went down hill from there.

Our arguments got worse and worse and eventually I began losing control and flipping out. Not violently on Kat, but breaking stuff and eventually hurting myself. This lead to an eventual stay in a psyche ward for me and meeting a Dr. I liked and decided to make my personal Doctor. In speaking with him I finally opened up to admitting that I was incapable of handling everyday life due to abuse I suffered as a child, that is well known to my family memebers as well as Katherine herself.

I have been diagnosed as ADHD for years, but I found, and my sister-in-law did as well, a scientific paper that spells out how sexual and violent abuse suffered as a child, leads to the brain changing the way it forms in early childhood, and manifests in symptoms very ADHD like, but detectable on an MRI. Besides the "why don't you get a job" problems I've always had, I was diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, and various other goofy problems that have plagued me most of my life.

An example of Complex-PTSD would be the triggers that stop and or stopped me from every day activities most people have a hard time understanding how I would "choose" not to do. Taking care of my teeth, even going to the bathroom are connected to traumatic memories of being terrorized by my fathers second wife, when I was only 3 or 4 years old. So I have Vietnam style flash backs or feelings more so connected to taking showers and brushing my teeth, because this lady would scream at me or beat me with a belt if I didn't do things when she told me to. I was very attatched to my mother at this age, and this lady took some sort of gross pleasure in trash talking my Mom and harassing me.

So this psychotherapist that I met in the psyche ward, wants to get me into therapy and thinks I need quite a bit of help, both from medication and counselling. And I want to finally take my childhood abuse head on and see if I can't rise above it, but I'm pretty much useless at the moment.

Kat and I were fighting so badly that I would scream and flip out, and because of this I allowed my son Tanis to go live with his mother, who lied to me and said she would have a place for her and Tanis to live. Although now she is unemployed and homeless, and staying with friends with my son in tow. Kat thinks Tanis went away because I was getting violent, I sent him away because I was out of control, but I know Kat doesn't take my mental issues seriously, and she just insists I am to blame for everything. I miss my son terribly.

I don't know what to do now, I was going to go to a disability meeting about my problems, but Kat's brother decided he would try the same thing before I had my first meeting. He doesn't have ADHD, but when he was turned away by local medical places to get adderall, that he decided he needed, he just threatened to hurt himself and continued to pressure them until they gave it to him. I was there for this, because he did this the last time he crashed at our house and refused to leave. Just for example, to his character: He admitted to me he keyed his ex girlfriends car, and last week the case was thrown out, and he now insists he never did it. He, as well as Kat may very well be sociopaths.

So I was embarassed by his trying to get on disability, the same as I was when he got on the same medication I got on years ago. So I decided not to go to my meeting at the social security office. I'd honestly rather be homeless or die in a street than be a fraud like him. He was living off of Kat and I, eating food we got from foodshare from the government, and the whole situation makes my skin crawl, It's not fun to be me in any way at all.

The point of this is, I am in need of a base of operations to set out to meetings with therapists and doctors as well as perhaps the social security office. But I have a really bad taste in my mouth for these things as a guy who forced himself on my wife and I's life with our children, and still sits in my sons old room, hording shoplifted goods from the grocery store we live by, just leaching off of anyone he can. I can't just "get a job" and get my head in the game.

I was very abused as a child, sexually, violently, and i've been running from it and hiding it for years. At least hiding how it had really messed me up, always wanting to make my brother proud, since he obviously has always hoped it didn't get to me more than it did him. I cannot function as normal people do, and I need help to get through this.

I am staying at my old friend Paul Riendeau's house in Milwaukee. But he's not going to be able to help me the way I need to be helped, god bless him he's a great friend and a wonderful guy, but I had always hoped at least Kat could help me get to some needed appointments, to get things in motion, to get my teeth fixed as well, and she couldn't. Things had been ok, but she also decided she needed adderall without being properly diagnosed, and when she had taken it last month she got very moody and I did my best, but I couldn't handle the stress.

I don't have a wrap up for this blog, I just want people to understand my problems.

ARM